As a side note - something of minor interest, but I doubt much importance - the boy came to my house today. He was under the impression that I was keeping Yutaka prisoner!! Well... not that I can blame him for thinking that really it doesn't seem very probable that such a man or anyone really would ever want to be with me of their own free will!

The stupid child wanted to do a deal, a trade - himself in Yutaka's place. He almost looked hurt when Yutaka said he wanted to stay with me. I'm sure that boy is suicidal - I mean after what I did to him in life! Well... by ending it - you'd think that he'd stay away from me and not give himself to me a second time. Of course as a shinigami he'd be much harder to kill - but I've already had my fun with him!

The boy left disheartened and yutaka stayed and thats good enough for me. I don't think the boy is going to be any more trouble now.

I wish I could say the same for Watari's female friend - Wakaba-chan. She seems intent on sticking her nose in and in truth I'm worried that once she realises just who I am, she's going to take it upon herself to rescue him.

I'll do anything to keep Yutaka now - even if I have to kill all of the people that care about him so I'm all he has left. I will not lose him.

It would appear that a great deal has happened - over such a short space of time. I have been so caught up in recent events that I haven't kept a log as I intended! Therefore, the purpose of this entry is to help me sift through and maybe try to understand all that has happened.

Tatsumi kept his word in the end and he was mine for one wonderful night - despite his unwillingness. After that he was a changed man - broken even. It seems all I ever do is break my toys.

But then one of Tatsumi's friend's, Watari-san, came to me and proposed a little deal of his own - and so it was that I discarded Tatsumi and gained a new toy. A toy that was far more exciting and fun and... well perfect really. So much so, that the man is no longer merely my toy, our deal is void, yet he wishes to remain with me and, truthfully, I wish for him to stay also.

However, I fear I have broken him too - or what I mean is, something is very wrong and I feel I must be to blame. He answers now to the name Yutaka and calls me Kazutaka - which I rather like - but it seems he has lost a part of himself so he can be with me. I think maybe this is the first time that I've ever looked back over my life and been filled with regret over my actions. For if I had never killed and raped the boy, or pursued and hurt Tsuzuki so, or made that deal with Tatsumi and broken him - Watari could have been with me quite happily. As it is, a part of him knows he cant be with me because of the monster I am - and I think that is the side of him that has vanished and sunk into the darkest corners of his mind.

Of course, if I hadn't done all of those things I might have never met the man in the first place! Although maybe that would've been best? I had no desire to change him or mould him to fit my specifications - he was perfect as he was, but now I am afraid that I have broken him as well.

The only thing I know for sure is that this won't end well - not for any of us, least of all me.

Tatsumi-san did indeed make a counter offer. He has offered me himself in return for freeing the boy and removing Tsuzuki's trauma - as well as leaving them both alone.

I accepted of course, I would be lying if I said the thought of owning such a man didn't interest me!

So I went through with my side of the deal - and so far all it has earned me is a stab wound to the chest. I'll heal soon enough I'm sure, but breathing is rather painful right now. However, it was an essential part of my plan - Tsuzuki and the boy must believe Tatsumi killed me - I can't have them looking for me.

So know I just have to wait for Tatsumi's phone call - after that he's all mine.

This is my first entry in this journal. I guess I should explain a little about its purpose.

Being a highly qualified doctor - I have little time to reflect on my personal life - my mind is always in demand in relation to my occupation. Therefore, I plan to use this journal to help clarify my thoughts on recreational matters.

I should point out at this point that this journal is friends only and if you are wise - you will not attempt to gain my friendship - I only have one living true friend - the rest mysteriously seem to get themselves involved in nasty accidents. More's the pity.

If you're feeling brave - comment to be added.

Anyway - this journal is for the soul purpose of indulging my thoughts and ideas and maybe even discussing them with others.

Oh yeah... and I heard that Tsuzuki joined this thing too...